From Outer Praise to Inner Worth: Navigating the Storm Within
From Outer Praise to Inner Worth: Navigating the Storm Within
Just when I think I fully understand who I am and why I act the way I do, it turns out there’s always a little more to discover. Annoying, yes- but also beneficial. Understanding our unconscious parts all at once would likely be too much to process- system overload really. Our capacity to process and integrate these parts of us grows gradually; it deepens and widens as we peel back the layers. Little did I know that a simple moment at the gym would reveal even more about something I already knew- a subtle echo of an old pattern, reminding me that even after years of introspection, the work of alignment is an ongoing process.
Standing in the gym, mid work out, I observed myself experiencing an inner conflict. I noticed myself feeling frustrated… almost to the point of an inner tantrum, about my “inability” to draw attention the way I used to. And when I say “inability”, I don’t mean I physically couldn’t – I mean the fight between what once came easily and felt validating and what I now know no longer serves me. I’ve already caught and faced this pattern many times before, yet surprisingly- here it was again. A reminder that even years later, certain echoes will rise to test us and our commitment to what we want. I no longer resonate with wanting what that specific flavor of attention brings, because I can now see how empty it feels in comparison to what I’m actually in alignment with. And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be seen, wanted or adored, (it’s part of being human) I can no longer keep chasing what no longer feels true to me.
Later that day as I reflected on my life, I noticed I had always been either praised or judged for the way I looked- rarely anything beyond it. It was uncommon to hear “You’re intelligent, thoughtful, talented or kind.” Most of it was about the surface. And through that repeated message from others, so much of my self-worth became attached to appearance.
So in that moment in the gym, when I felt that old craving rise up- the impulse to move, smile, or act in the ways that once drew attention- I recognized that although it might appear as vanity, (a facet of the ego produced from patriarchal shame) I realized it was really an echo of old wiring: the part of me that once equated being seen with being loved. That was the inner turbulence –one part of me still desiring that familiar attention, and the other part of me knowing I now can only accept respect, reciprocity and acknowledgement for who I am rather than how I look.
Let me be clear, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good. We all know that when we take care of ourselves, we feel good in our bodies. When you look good, you feel good! But the challenge comes when the desire to look good becomes tied to seeking approval, attention, or validation from others, rather than simply enjoying your own appearance because it feels good to you.
This reflection didn’t stop at noticing the need for attention; it quickly expanded into an examination on the ways in which I engage with self-care. I realized so much of what I do to care for myself has been a mix of genuine love and survival instinct. Sure, taking care of myself feels good, but I had to ask: how much is driven by societal expectations or the desire for approval? If I were the only person on earth, would I still care for myself as much as I do now? What percentage of my drive to care for myself is truly for me?
As I dug deeper, it became clear that this pattern was created by how I’d been shaped (and sometimes constrained) by others, and that I’d been unconsciously perpetuating it ever since. That awareness brought up anger: the anger at realizing I’d been wrestling with beliefs my whole life that were never really mine and the frustration at those who never gave me the tools for self-worth and self-love. And then, when I couldn’t follow through- because I didn’t have the tools and developed maladaptive coping skills, (seeking comfort where I shouldn’t have or in ways I didn’t need to) those same people sometimes shamed me, insulted me or even took advantage of me...it was like someone set a trap and then blamed me for falling into it.
Fortunately, that anger, rather than becoming resentment, became a spark. It was yet another round of realization that once again pushed me toward responsibility, toward conscious recognition of these patterns, and toward diligent inner work. And as I sit with it now, I realize it’s tempered with compassion- these people didn’t know either- and even if they did, they were still so wrapped up their own beliefs and fear to act any different. That very anger, when held consciously, becomes fuel for growth that turns into wisdom rather than bitterness.
The wisdom being- it’s not my fault that I carried these beliefs. They were placed on me by societal programming, reinforced by years of living in a world that predominantly values outward appearance and performance over inner essence. But- it is my responsibility to myself and to the collective (knowing that this inner work naturally affects those around me) to disentangle from these patterns, to choose consciously how I show up in the world and to honor my authentic self.
This conscious shift isn’t easy. As I hold out for relationships and interactions that reflect reciprocity and respect, my body still craves attention, affection or physical intimacy on occasion. When I’m no longer willing to satiate that craving through instant gratification, the longing (and the grief that comes with it) becomes part of the journey. It’s the tension between honoring authenticity and feeling the pull of old patterns, noticing it in real time and asking, “Am I doing this from love or for love?” Choosing alignment in spite of the pull towards instant gratification is where integration happens.
This ongoing process of noticing, reflecting, and consciously choosing isn’t limited to appearance. It reaches into many facets of life- how we relate to our race, gender, sexuality, status and body- and the identities and roles we’ve learned to play in order to be accepted. Many of us navigate worlds that reward surface-level presence over inner essence. Realizing this in real time made me reflect on the many ways we try to move through life, often in search of approval or validation from others. Patterns like these surface in both subtle and obvious ways. You may recognize some of these examples:
Dressing or presenting ourselves a certain way to gain approval, rather than from a place of comfort or confidence.
Curating social media personas to be liked, rather than expressing genuine interests.
Overperforming at work or in school to earn validation, instead of learning or growing for ourselves.
Suppressing our needs in relationships to avoid conflict or gain affection rather than communicating authentically
Caring for others in ways that feel performative, rather than truly loving.
Ultimately, this is cyclical work. It asks us to notice and pay attention. Regardless of where these familiar patterns arise, it’s about observing the inner storm- the tension between old ways of engaging and the alignment we now choose. We experience the grief that comes with leaving old patterns behind while moving beyond inherited beliefs and societal structures. This is how we cultivate self-worth, arising naturally from authentic embodied alignment.
If this reflection resonates, The Accountability & Compassion Course offers a space to explore your patterns with curiosity, support and guidance- focusing on building trust with yourself, one small step at a time.
Sharlene
