Healing in Layers
A few days ago, I had an insight. I observed a voice shaming me for a “bad” habit that I have. I’ve recently learned that a shame voice- or narrative is a form of protection, a facet of the ego. That particular voice tries to shame me out of doing something because it has succeeded with this strategy in the past. Meaning, a part of my ego in the past (and still clearly in the present) found success in mentally beating me up until I got my act together in whatever realm of my life it was shaming me for.
But that’s not the full point. My next thought was- Why, after almost 15 years of “healing work” and introspection am I only noticing this particular facet now? Why do certain insights appear only at certain times? Is it because I finally want to, because I’m ready to or because some cosmic force decides I am? And then I remembered… healing happens in layers.
Yes, healing and noticing happen in layers. It isn’t that you’re not doing enough or using your tools enough. You are not failing. It’s how the nervous system, facets of the ego and all of your life coordinate together.
1. Capacity and bandwidth.
Your nervous system can only hold and integrate so much stuff at once. When you’re overwhelmed or depleted, your nervous system prioritizes survival or repair. (this is when the trauma responses kick in) The deeper subtle stuff waits until there’s room to digest it. Think of it this way- even if you want to engage in healing or introspection, you can only do it from a regulated state. When your nervous system is in fight or flight, your survival instincts take over. It won’t allow new insights or deeper reflection until the body feels safe again.
2. Protection rather than punishment.
Inner voices like shame show up as protectors (albeit clumsy ones). They’re trying to stop perceived harm. (rejection, loss of control, exposure etc.) They use whatever strategy they know- shame guilt, perfectionism, whatever role has been familiar to you and proven to get the job done, even when that strategy is harmful. Importantly, that voice isn’t truly yours. You weren’t born with it. Somewhere along the way it was learned or programmed. Maybe you saw it modeled back to you and over time it became internalized as your own. For example- You notice that your inner shame voice is picking on your physical appearance. If you’re already unkind to yourself, then when someone else tries to be unkind, you’re already prepared for the rejection. The shame voice believes it’s cushioning the blow, even though it’s actually reinforcing the hurt.
3. Timing= Readiness + Ripeness.
Being “ready” isn’t just about willpower. Readiness is a mix of personal intent ( the desire to change), repeated experiences (being tired of the same patterns or outcomes), supportive conditions (your environment, the people around you helping you rather than hindering you) and sometimes a life event that loosens the hold enough for a new insight to surface ( a jarring or impactful experience i.e.. hitting rock bottom, a major loss, a profound positive experience. It’s not the size of the event but how big it feels to you in the context of your life right now.) Growth and insight require your nervous system to be ready. Your readiness has to come from your own capacity, intent, and life experiences- all your internal conditions aligning.
4. Practice creates noticing.
In my opinion, developing the observer muscle – the ability to notice thoughts, patterns, and urges – comes from repeated practices that strengthen awareness AND regulate the nervous system. Practices like mediation, journaling and small experiments (i.e. pausing before reacting noticing your urge to react rather than respond, then choosing clarity over impulse.)- these directly build the observer, helping you notice patterns and responses as they arise. Physical movement, somatic exercises and other body focused practices (prioritizing sleep, nutrition, bodily functions, hygiene and general self care) regulate the nervous system, creating a calmer internal state. This also indirectly strengthens your observer capacity. Overtime these pathways reinforce each other. A calmer body allows for clearer insights, which strengthens the observer, which in turn makes noticing easier and more consistent. Consistency matters more than intensity- small, repeated practices gradually shape your capacity to see and integrate new truths.
5. The layers of Readiness
Even after decades of self-work, this doesn’t instantaneously deem you – “All- knowing.” Your nervous system can only uncover and integrate new truths when it’s ready. The equation is the same for everyone, but the depth and degree vary based on each person’s unique experiences. The practices help you notice the faster…. but even still, some layers are stubborn and need repetitive gentle attention. For example, take the insight I shared at the start. That particular shame voice had been shaping my behaviour for years. I hadn’t noticed it before, not because I wasn’t trying hard enough or meditating enough, but because my nervous system and internal readiness weren’t aligned to hold that insight. Only NOW, with the capacity, regulation and awareness I’ve built overtime, could I see it clearly.
All that being said- this got me thinking about another layer of healing I’ve been hearing about recently. Some people suggest that it isn’t necessary to engage with healing practices or modalities because to them- it’s like picking at a wound, it will never heal. They argue that true healing happens simply by experiencing consistent safety in the very circumstances where you once felt unsafe. For example, if your trauma involved being ignored or dismissed in relationships for example, you would need to experience safe consistent attention and validation in friendships or romantic connections to help rewire those patterns. That repeated proof- that safe and consistent relationships help heal. Makes sense to me, and I agree.
BUT…here’s the caveat- this only works if the person feels safe and worthy enough to actually receive it. Without a baseline of self-trust and nervous system regulation, even “ideal” circumstances wouldn’t feel safe or integrative.
Take me for instance- who I am now (more healed and aware of my worth) can better receive and embody alignment. But my past self? She would have been judgmental toward someone like me, she would have felt “less than”, and she would have gravitated toward people still vibrating in their wounds, their substances, or other patterns, just so that I wouldn’t feel exposed or unsafe. My past self simply wasn’t ready to receive the level of alignment and consciousness I embody now.
This shows that there are levels to readiness. How can one fully begin to accept consistent safety in new circumstances- or a version of themselves they haven’t yet come into alignment with if they’re not ready? You can’t just jump from zero to fully integrated overnight. Your body and nervous system have to be safely convinced, over time, that you are worthy, that you belong. Experiencing consistent safety within yourself and with others, again and again is what allows someone to sit at a new table without being triggered.
So, to return to the question I asked myself in the beginning- Why do certain insights only appear after years of healing work? The answer is: Healing happens in layers. Each layer reveals itself when your capacity, your protection strategies, your readiness and your practices all align. Sometimes external circumstances of safety help, sometimes inner work leads the way- but either way the unfolding isn’t about failure or delay. You aren’t being punished by some cosmic force. It’s simply that your nervous system and your life conspire together to reveal what you’re ready to hold one layer at a time.
Sharlene
